Plastic Floats, Vampires Don't

One of my best friends lives in this total kick-ass neighborhood. You know, the one with the turtles? I can only aspire to be able to afford a house there someday. Right now, I just live vicariously through her. The most kick-ass thing about this neighborhood, by far, is its "Aquatic Activity Center" or as it's known to those of us who aren't cool enough to live in this awesome subdivision, the pool. Most outsiders are left outside, forced to daydream about going inside this gated wonderland, all the while licking the wrought-iron fence. My fam and I are privileged enough to have our friend's spare magnetic key, so we just step over those schmucks and waltz right in!

One of the things they offer at this oasis (among the water slides, splash pad, diving boards, jungle gym thingy in the middle of the kiddie pool, etc.) is a water aerobics class. My friend and I took this class all last summer and it was a blast. This summer, however, my son is in an indoor soccer league and his practices conflict time-wise. So instead, my husband is taking the class with her.

Funny enough, one of my son's practices got canceled this week. What a great opportunity to find out if PE floats! (He totally DOESN'T. I mean, WTF? He's plastic for god's sake! I thought plastic was supposed to float? I guess the body mass of a vampire is too dense. Their skin IS described to be hard, like marble, ergo same rock-type physics apply and they sink like the Titanic, I guess. So how is it they are supposed to be good swimmers? Hmm, there may be a problem with that line of logic.)

So, I show up to the pool and plop down on a nice lounger. At the next table, a mom is telling her daughter to go swim so she can get back to reading Eclipse. Funny how wherever you go (especially if a pool is near by), there's someone reading a Stephenie Meyer book. This was especially true when I went to Mexico back in February. There were five women in a row, each with a Stephenie Meyer book in hand, reading (I say Stephenie Meyer and not Twilight because one was reading The Host, including myself).

As soon as class gets underway (and the husband is distracted) I reach in my purse and pull out the iPhone and PE.

Hey, you with the back hair! Pull up your trunks! This is a no ass-crack zone! I mean, come on! There are children present!


PE tries his hand at floating, and FAILS. Good thing this was a shallow walk-path or he'd have to show just how well vampires don't have to breathe!

PE spots the water slides (which had just been turned off, but that's besides the point) and thinks about how much fun it that would be!

DENIED! PE is obviously not over 48" tall. Neither can he float tread water for at least one minute.

Poor, sad PE. No water slide for the little vampire. Oh well, he would have never made it up the stairs by himself anyway.