Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Leaving on a Jet Plane

PE and I have packed our bags. We're catching a flight at the ass-crack of dawn tomorrow morning on our way to spend 4th of July weekend with my sister and her husband in New York.

My plan is to spend most of the weekend taking pictures. See, once upon a time (ya know, when dinosaurs roamed the earth?) I perceived myself as an artist. Then I had kids. Yeah, right out the ol' proverbial window that idea went! But, every once in a while, I get a wild hair to soil my artist roots... so to speak. So, if anyone has any ideas what would be cool to photograph out in NYC (mainly Manhattan or Brooklyn), let me know.

But in all honesty, I'm just really looking forward to the weather. It's been, like 150 degrees here every day with no rain for 3 weeks. I understand that in NYC, it's been raining every day and 78. Sounds like a little slice of heaven! No, I won't bring an umbrella. I'll be the idiot walking around with her arms out to her side, face lifted to the sky, trying to catch rain drops like snow flakes on her tongue.

So, I'm off to bed. Actually, FIRST I'm going to scarf down my last few chicken dumplings and then maybe a few bites of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. THEN, most definitely, I'm going to bed. I need to get up at 3am so I can leave at 4am to catch my 6am flight.

Monday, June 29, 2009

PE Gets Angsty at the Festival

Yesterday, I found myself helping a friend out by volunteering at her church festival. I was tapped to help out at the face painting booth, which is cool 'cuz once upon a time I was an art major in college. Also, I'm always up for an excuse to draw on small children. We weren't sure if any victims people were really going to show up because this festival was originally supposed to take place the first weekend of May, when it was "cooler" outside. Unfortunately, thanks to the monsoon that hit in April, that wasn't going to happen. The fair grounds are set in the middle of a reservoir. That reservoir didn't recede until a few weeks ago.

So, instead, the church moved the festival to the end of June, when it's fuckhot outside. How hot is "fuckhot?" Let me give you a visual. This is what my temp gauge in my car was saying after I left the fairgrounds (at 6pm):

Yep, that's 105 freakin' degrees! (In truth, it had said 106, but by the time I got my decrepit iPhone to actually switch to the Camera App, it had gone down one degree. I really need to get a new one, one of those awesome, new 3Gs iPhones.) At least, the festival was under a pavilion structure thingy, so we were out of the direct sun. That also meant we weren't getting any type of breeze. Safe to say "sweat" was the general theme to every one's attire yesterday.

It was kind of slow going for a while. At least I had paint to play and draw on myself with. Oh, and glitter! Yay! One of my friend's daughters was pretty bored, so I decided to put a little child labor into action (not too abusive or anything; she's in 8th grade). I handed her PE and my iPhone and told her to have fun, but they better be good photos! She didn't disappoint. It would seem that PE was angsty, probably brought on by the stifling heat, and decided to take it out on some stuffed animals:

Hmm, I wonder if you taste anything like your cousin, the mountain lion?

Having been defeated by the lion, formerly known as Lunch, PE moved on to easier pray: a fluffy, pink bunny.

Nom, nom, nom.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Plastic Floats, Vampires Don't

One of my best friends lives in this total kick-ass neighborhood. You know, the one with the turtles? I can only aspire to be able to afford a house there someday. Right now, I just live vicariously through her. The most kick-ass thing about this neighborhood, by far, is its "Aquatic Activity Center" or as it's known to those of us who aren't cool enough to live in this awesome subdivision, the pool. Most outsiders are left outside, forced to daydream about going inside this gated wonderland, all the while licking the wrought-iron fence. My fam and I are privileged enough to have our friend's spare magnetic key, so we just step over those schmucks and waltz right in!

One of the things they offer at this oasis (among the water slides, splash pad, diving boards, jungle gym thingy in the middle of the kiddie pool, etc.) is a water aerobics class. My friend and I took this class all last summer and it was a blast. This summer, however, my son is in an indoor soccer league and his practices conflict time-wise. So instead, my husband is taking the class with her.

Funny enough, one of my son's practices got canceled this week. What a great opportunity to find out if PE floats! (He totally DOESN'T. I mean, WTF? He's plastic for god's sake! I thought plastic was supposed to float? I guess the body mass of a vampire is too dense. Their skin IS described to be hard, like marble, ergo same rock-type physics apply and they sink like the Titanic, I guess. So how is it they are supposed to be good swimmers? Hmm, there may be a problem with that line of logic.)

So, I show up to the pool and plop down on a nice lounger. At the next table, a mom is telling her daughter to go swim so she can get back to reading Eclipse. Funny how wherever you go (especially if a pool is near by), there's someone reading a Stephenie Meyer book. This was especially true when I went to Mexico back in February. There were five women in a row, each with a Stephenie Meyer book in hand, reading (I say Stephenie Meyer and not Twilight because one was reading The Host, including myself).

As soon as class gets underway (and the husband is distracted) I reach in my purse and pull out the iPhone and PE.

Hey, you with the back hair! Pull up your trunks! This is a no ass-crack zone! I mean, come on! There are children present!

PE tries his hand at floating, and FAILS. Good thing this was a shallow walk-path or he'd have to show just how well vampires don't have to breathe!

PE spots the water slides (which had just been turned off, but that's besides the point) and thinks about how much fun it that would be!

DENIED! PE is obviously not over 48" tall. Neither can he float tread water for at least one minute.

Poor, sad PE. No water slide for the little vampire. Oh well, he would have never made it up the stairs by himself anyway.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Gotta luv them Gators!

Sometimes, ok ALL times, I'm so proud to say I went to UF. This really funny satiric article popped up in the Gainesville Sun yesterday:

Sexy Vampires Are Destroying Our Nation's Children

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (center) and the cast of "Twilight."

There has been an illness spreading across America recently that is more virulent and insidious than mad cow disease, swine flu and monkey pox combined. It’s spreading viraly through emails, blogs, text messages and tweets and infecting countless tweens, teens and young adults. While the disease has not yet proved to be fatal, there is no known cure and the symptoms can be terrifying and painful. The disease I am referring to, of course, is vampirism.

The epicenter of the most recent outbreak can be traced to the vampire-based Twilight book series, which has sold more than 42 million copies and spawned an equally popular movie adaptation. Young people across the country have been seduced by the story of a high school girl’s star-crossed love affair with a 107-year-old vampire and the pasty yet attractive actors who portray them. What’s more troubling than the pedophilic relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a man 90 years her senior, however, is the fact that the popularity of vampire culture is on the rise.

Another culprit in this vampire epidemic, or “vampidemic,” is HBO’s hit series "True Blood," which will begin its second season on Sunday. Many critics and viewers have been drawn in by the tale of a telepathic waitress in a small, fictional Louisiana town and her interactions with a contentious vampire community. Thanks to a synthetic blood alternative called TruBlood, vampires in this series no longer have to bite humans for food and are able walk the streets along with mortal citizens with minimal fear of persecution. Even before the show aired, a viral marketing campaign was implemented to spark interest by creating fake advertisements, Web sites and products aimed at the also-fake vampire demographic. Some avidly morbid consumers were distraught to learn that the TruBlood drink advertised online was not an actual product available for consumption.

While this kind of fervor has been seen with J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books, an interest in witchcraft and wizardry is ultimately harmless as most of the characters in Rowling’s novels are positive role models. The worst that happens is kids spend their allowances on wands, memorize cryptic incantations and start trying to summon dark spirits from the depths of the underworld. In other words, pretty typical kids’ stuff. With this latest trend, however, kids may be inspired to dress in black, dye their hair, start wearing eyeliner – or the sad male alternative, “guyliner” – and avoid the sun, leading to a crippling vitamin D deficiency. They may also be inclined to mimic vampire behavior by speaking in antiquated Victorian English, drinking exorbitant amounts of Kool-Aid or other red beverages packed with high fructose corn syrup and listening to techno music. Although vampire fashion is unfortunate – and “guyliner” borderline criminal – the real problem with children idolizing these bloodsuckers is that vampires are just creepy jerks.

Some cultures view vampires as pale, gaunt creatures lurking in the shadows, but many Europeans believe they have a bloated, ruddy or purplish appearance, most likely from the combination of decomposition and recently imbibed blood. Imagine how much more authentic but less popular the "Twilight" movie would have been with a puffy, red-faced Meat Loaf as the male lead instead of the dreamy, hollow-cheeked Robert Pattinson. Be advised, parents: Using attractive actors to play these otherwise offensive creatures is just one of the despicable tactics the pro-vampire propaganda machine will use to try and recruit your innocent children.

What they don’t want your impressionable kids to know is that the life of a vampire is anything but glamorous. In addition to resembling a chubby, blushing Larry King, vampires are relegated to a mostly boring existence. Most waking hours are used to quiet the constant hunger pangs caused by a liquid diet, and any free time is likely to be during late-night and early-morning hours, so running errands to the bank and most other businesses is extremely difficult.

Most people also hate vampires. In the Aftican country of Malawi during late 2002 and early 2003, mobs stoned one person to death and injured four others, including Malawi Governor Eric Chiwaya, because they thought the government was working secretly with vampires.

Despite the recent influx of vampire-related content into the mainstream media and the youthful enthusiasm that accompanied it, vampirism still remains a dangerous threat to our nation’s children. Unchecked interest in vampires can lead to unfortunate summer wardrobe choices, rickets and diabetes. We can’t afford to lose our kids to these flashy, sexy, fly-by-night vampire impersonators who continue to fill their heads with untruths about the vampire lifestyle. Do your part and get your kids hooked on something safe like street racing or “sexting” instead.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Lesson learned: not all headphones work with iPhone

There are lots of kick-ass apps for the iPhone. Not news worthy or anything, but every time I see one of those iPhone App commercials I find myself saying, "Ooooooo! That's awesome!" and immediately run for my iPhone to download it (if it's free). The other day I was bored and happened to only have my iPhone with me. I'd gotten pretty bored with popping bubble wrap (I know! No one can ever get bored with that, can they? I didn't think so either, so who knew?) and saving cliff-diving cows by bouncing them across a river. Time for a trip to the App Store! That's when I found it: Tap Tap Revenge 2. Apparently, I'm behind the times because there is a "2", meaning I've completely missed the boat on "1". It's basically Guitar Hero for the iPhone. I've never been big on Guitar Hero. I leave that one to my son and husband to have the battle royale in the living room. I've always seen it as basically one step up from air guitar and a mullet. Secretly, I'm jealous 'cuz I can only do the easy level... stupid orange button. Who has hands big enough to reach that?! OK, obviously my husband does, but that's really more for my benefit (wink, wink). THIS treasure of a game only has three buttons. THREE! Yessssssss.

Skip to today when I found myself at the local torture chamber tire store because I picked up a nail in my tire. This is usually a long, boring process that involves the smell of rubber and burnt coffee and butt-numbing, red plastic chairs. I came prepared tho. I had my iPhone and headphones with me. However, not my iPhone/iPod headphones because those had died the day before (a long, slow death from being shoved in my purse too many times, often ending up tangled around PE's legs). I picked up some Sony ones that came with my laptop years ago as I went out the door.

After a long, drawn-out "discussion" with the tire store regarding whether or not I had previously purchased the tire warranty for said impaled tire, I'm told it will be an hour before my car will be ready. I told the guy that it was ok, I had a movie on my phone (coughTwilightcough) for just that reason. I sat down on one of the chairs and pulled out my iPhone and plug the headphones in. I remember thinking that they didn't make the right "click" noise when I plugged them in, but it's a sideways jack, not the straight one the Apple ones have. Oh well. As I start to go to the iPod button, I remember that I had just put Tap Tap on my phone. Sweeeeeeet. I push that instead and the first song that comes up is "Full Moon" by the Black Ghosts (song at the beginning of Twilight when Bella's plane takes off). Double sweeeeeet.

As I'm playing, I keep thinking, "Hey, the sound's off for some reason. It's really loud, so it's a damn good thing I have my headphones in." Still, I look up and around me, first at the lady a few seats over writing furiously in her diary and then at the poor man's Sayed (from Lost) across the way from me who is typing a dissertation on his Crackberry, to see if maybe they can hear the music. No one looks at me or seems to be any the wiser. I guess it's just me then.

The next song is some Chemical Brothers song and is pretty techno and even louder. I fiddle with the jack connection a bit, but seems fine. Halfway through the song, Sayed comes over to me, leans over and says, "Excuse me, but could you turn your music down?" Completely mortified, I look up at him (headphones still on) and say, "It's playing out loud?" and apologize profusely. I take off my obviously useless headphones and turn off the game.

This is when the lady next to mean leans over :

Diary Lady: That first song? Is that from Twilight?
Me: Yeah.
Diary Lady: I love that soundtrack. My daughter couldn't believe that I bought it for myself.
Me: It's a really good soundtrack! I hope the next one is just as good, but I have my doubts every time the Jonas Bros. or Kelly Clarkson gets rumored to be on it.
Diary Lady: Yeah, I heard something about Drew Barrymore, but I can't for the life of me figure out what she'd do for it.

This is when I have to reveal my Twitardedness to the masses and correct her on the origin of the Drew Barrymore rumor. This is also when I remembered that I have Twilight on my iPod in my car... which the headphones DO work on. RANT: Why on earth did Apple think it was a good idea to have different jacks for the iPhone and the iPod?! I mean, WTF?! My husband says it has something to do with the jack hole (snicker) being longer on the iPhone. Doesn't matter, it's still stupid.

Just to help educate the masses:

Headphones that work with iPhone.

Headphones that don't.

And I just want to point out something in that picture. While I was starting to write this post, the husband disappeared for a while. When he returned, he came bearing presents in the form of Ben & Jerry's ice cream pints! See the one PE's leaning against? It's some limited edition flavour from the mind of Elton John called "Goodbye Yellow Crickle Road." Holy crap! Chocolate ice cream, globs of peanut butter and some sort of candy "Crickle" pieces that results in orgasm-worthy goodness! Yeah, I think I'll keep him, even if he did make a reference to Elton and PE and their "shared preferences" while I was taking the picture.

Oh, and for your listening/viewing pleasure, "Full Moon" by the Black Ghosts:

Friday, June 5, 2009

Some Kindle Luv

Thanks to newmoonmovie.org for the photo!

Kellan Lutz is a man after my own heart. See? I'm not the only person who carries their Kindle around with them!

PE likes the Kindle too. It gives him something to do while I work on the husband's resume.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

AA Batteries

There's a cult out there operating totally out in the open, of which I belong to. Many moons ago, I drank the Kool-Aid and have been a card-carrying member of the I-own-a-MINI-and-you-don't club. We are much like Jehovah's Witnesses, but instead of knocking on your door at some unseemly hour, we try to convert you at gas stations, grocery store parking lots and such when you random people approach us about our cars (inevitably asking, right off the bat, "What kind of gas mileage does that thing get?" Really, people, can't we be more creative than that?).

We are a pretty good-humoured and self-deprecating bunch of people... when it comes to our cars. You'll find this out when you look at our license plates because most of us have personalized ones generally making some sort of reference to the car's size (or how much fun they are to drive). For example, a friend of mine has had SIZE XS for years. Another guy I know had a sticker made for the back that says, "I ate all the clowns." He's a big guy, btw.

A few days ago, after having dinner with my mom, PE and I found that in the parking lot on a Clubman. I just had to post it and give kudos to the owner for their creativity. Funny stuff.

You can just see it in Rob's face, can't you? He's probably thinking about how he could totally lose those pesky paps if he was hauling ass and weaving in and out of traffic like cones on an autocross track in that MINI.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Please don't hate me

Last night, while PE, the fam and I were busy rockin' out at the Paramore/No Doubt concert, every Twitard in the world was glued to their TV watching the MTV Movie Awards. According to the radio this morning, Twilight basically cleaned the house of those buckets of golden popcorn. Most importantly, the first New Moon trailer was premiered.

While I DVR'd the awards, I was too pooped when we got home to watch it. I also have a big meeting with Exxon, so I needed my beauty sleep to be some what coherent today. While I can wait to watch it tonight, I couldn't wait to jump on my computer this morning, with my bowl of oatmeal, to watch the trailer.

Please don't go all hatin' on me, but I just wasn't blown away, which sucks. I was really looking forward to this being sooo much better than the last film. I know I'm being blasphemous here, but let's step away from the Twi-Crack for a minute and be real. It really wasn't that great of a movie. I mean, it was a good movie, but there's was so much messed up with it. Don't even get me started on the editing! We like it because it's a manifestation of the book. Period. Okay, Robward is pretty hot, but it's not like he was Oscar-worthy in this movie. For the most part, I blame the director. That's the main reason I had such high hopes for New Moon. I pray the trailer is not really indicitive of the movie to come. I almost spat my oatmeal on my computer screen when I saw the Jacob-Werewolf transformation. Cartoon-frickin-wolf! Mega cheese.

Thanks to newmoonmovie.org for the Jacob photo!

Oh, and WTF is up with Jasper's hair?!

On another note, it looks to me like the whole "leaked movie script" was complete BS. Yeah, that's right. I read it. Sue me. To me, at least, it looks like someone wrote their own version (which was overlly true to the book... more than any normal book-adaptation movie script), threw in a few scenes that were blogged on gossip sites to make it more believable and put it out there for people to go nuts over. My two cents, there you have it.